2003.09.06 05.04 it's been three years and i just started rolling... (from livejournal) this week i began smoking rollies. i'm kissing packaged cigarettes goodbye. it's cheaper, and i've always had a fondness for the art of rolling cigarettes. this evening i had a wonderful conversation with my friend arlie carstens. he picked me up at graceland and we walked to the park with the columns that overlooks the freeway and the space needle. i don't know what it's called, but i always wanted to sit there. i think it's one of the best views of the city. while we were talking, arlie rolled us a couple cigarettes, and it wasn't the first time i was impressed by his skill. i asked how he'd learned and he told me the story of how when he was 11 and living in hawaii, his sister used to help grow and sell weed. she taught him how to roll joints, among other things. he's not really a smoker, but somehow it lasted. when i think of rolling cigarettes, i think of bellingham, wa. everyone rolled there. there wasn't enough money to buy the real thing and it became part of the culture. my roommates at the showoff were pros, but my most vivid memory, and probably my cigarette rolling champion was jenny p. jenny p and i had a long history in bellingham. she was my manager at cellophane square. after i was fired (not by her), we remained close friends. we hung out almost everyday, doing art projects and drinking. eventually this friendship grew into something more. we began to crush on each other, but due to various circumstances we couldn't act on it. sometimes we'd sit outside on her porch, rolling cigarettes, trying to figure out our feelings. there were times i felt like i was hopelessly in love with her, but alas it just wasn't meant to be. it was difficult, because in a lot of ways i could see myself growing old with her. we just couldn't do it. in frustration, i'd pour my heart out in love letters at night she'd never see. while arlie and i were talking, we conversed a lot about our pasts and how our perspectives on past events change as we get older. we concluded that major events in our lives don't become totally clear until three years after. once all the chaos of our daily lives washes away and the impact of the moment has fled suddenly it makes sense. now, i can look back on my life, pre-seattle and pinpoint very specific moments in time, or events, or people that changed my life forever. some of it was obvious then, and i understand it in different ways now, but the most interesting ones are the ones where you don't realize it until later. you might have overlooked it then, thought of it as just another daily occurance and suddenly you see what great lessons you learned, where you took a turn, how you changed. as much as i'll always have a place in my heart for jenny p, i see now that our relationship taught me a great lesson. you don't always have to act on your feelings and sometimes you just shouldn't. our friendship was stronger. as awesome as anything more would have been, eventually it would have ruined us. i feel like i've fucked up some rad friendships because i couldn't keep my mouth shut. i needed to swallow my pride and calm down. you can't force things. if it's meant to happen, it will. i'm not sure if i realized that before meeting her. lord knows it was torture the entire time. i don't know how many times i listened to jawbreaker's dear you mulling over the situation, but i'm glad i went through it and it was a lesson i needed teaching. jenny p, wherever you are, thank you and i hope you're happy. evrytime i roll a cigarette, i think of you. you're the best. i think i'm gonna roll one right now. Mood: refreshed Music: Jawbreaker