Posted by Franki on: Tuesday, June 12th, 2012
So this is what it feels like to be heartbroken and depressed. It’s a sad miserable state that seems to only be covered up with over work and booze. Both numbing, but neither the real answer to this slow roasting pain.
I try to call and text her to little or no response. If I do get an answer it’s guarded and cold, more like a message to a stranger than a former lover. It hurts. I long to know how she is doing, what’s happening in her life, if she’s happy, if she misses me too. I don’t know if I hurt her so much that she wants nothing to do with me or if she’s moved on, or both.
I tell my self I should give her her space, so I stop myself from trying. But every now and then the emotion over comes me and I reach out. No response. And here I am left wondering again.
Maybe most of you know this, I didn’t. Before this relationship I’d never been in one so long and so deep. When we walked away from each other I didn’t just lose a girlfriend, but my best friend. Someone who truly gave a shit about me for who I am, warts and all. Someone who I could laugh with, someone who loved me, someone I could hang out with even when there was nothing happening, someone I could depend on. I don’t think I’ve ever lost anything more valuable.
It was the most abnormal of endings. It wasn’t the blow out or flat faced dumping most experience. This was slowly opening up a festering wound and digging out what’s inside, meant to fix the problem, not sever it. You see, we had had one big explosion a couple months before that resulted in a major change of status quo for us. It was a brutal night, and maybe we should have ended it then, but I couldn’t give her up. I pushed for her to stay, she did, but I couldn’t recover. I thought I had for a bit, but I kept drifting away. Things were changing in the other parts of my life, demanding my full attention, stressing me out and pulling me away. I began to convince myself she was holding me back and that I needed to be alone to accomplish what I needed to do. At the same time I was like a scared child not knowing how to deal with the flood of emotion and threat of hurt that was before me and I chose what any little kid would: I ran away.
Only I was a pussy about it. These are things I felt, but I couldn’t say. I still loved her too much to do anything to hurt her (the irony being that my lack of ability to say anything was the coldest weapon I had). She sensed in me that something was the matter and got it out of me piece by piece. The final days were spent holding each other, balling and crying more than I’ve ever cried in my life and us cherishing each and every last moment until I got on that plane and we said goodbye.
Those last couple days were perfect in a lot of ways. We opened up in ways we always needed too. We hung out in a way we hadn’t in a while, totally in awe of each other. The richness and meaning of those last few days made the end result sting that much more harshly.
We’d made an agreement: 1 month break. Neither of us could fully pull the trigger, so we went with the easy way out. She’d left town the year before for a couple months, but had stayed with me. This time I was leaving, but letting her go. I needed the break to take care of all the change happening in my life. We said we wouldn’t talk for the month I was gone and we’d reassess things when I was back. For the first time ever in our relationship I actually kept this kind of promise and there woud be consequences to pay for it.
When the month was up I reached out. Nothing. I tried again the next day. Nothing. Waited a couple days and tried again, nothing again. Then I decided to go to her place. I knocked on her door and she answered. I’d reverted back to my impulsive ways and at least I got my answer: She didn’t want to get back together.
I’d thought about her every day while I was away. Since being back I’ve thought about her every day since. I’ve never been able to make up my mind whether I should walk away and move on or fight to win her back. More importantly, I don’t know what she truly wants.
The more time goes on the more I feel the loss, the more I see the mistake I made and realize the love that was given up. I jumped ship to swim in a different sea of opportunity, only I’d fallen prey to that age old tale of ambition vs happiness. I didn’t know how to let myself have both.
I tell myself I’ve come to terms with the fact that what we had is over, but the reality is, it’s hard to let go without you. What I never expected was that the moment I stepped on that plane that I would lose you, all of you, entirely.
I miss you so much.