fuck it. the first thing i did this morning was watch that movie 'big fish'. it was great, and possibly the perfect remedy for waking up hungover, with a bruised arm and a hurt ego, still confused and still feeling like the asshole. i left shortly after her, drunk and upset. she'd gotten the hint and said it before i could. "you should go." i don't know what hurt more, telling her to leave or the fact that she didn't even protest. some people are always looking for a reason to leave. some prefer to keep running. i guess that's what seperates us, because some of us prefer to stay our ground, to look the lion in the mouth and pull his tongue, just to see what happens. and it's nice that you 'love' me and find me 'inspiring' and all, but in all honesty, i don't need another person in my life telling me that. i've got plenty and i just don't care. i liked you because you inspired me, but you can't do that if you're looking the other direction and i can't look at you if you are. this morning, i sat in my room questioning the whole thing. had she really laid hints the whole time that she really wasn't interested at all? had she spelled it out completely and i'd just failed to see it? i knew she needed me to be patient, but i truly believed there were moments. moments where, without question, this would happen. did i completely misread all of those? i guess i should have realized at the time and maybe a long time ago that there will only be two types of girls in my life. those i make out with/fuck and then leave behind and the few i actually like and try to treat with respect and be a nice guy to, only to have my heart thrown back in my face as she leaves with the guy who only wants to fuck her. and to think i was actually interested in something else. i don't like to treat other people like shit, but if that's what some of you want out of life, come and get it. there was a reminder in 'big fish' of a lesson i'd forgotten. there's a part near the beginning where the main character looks in the eye of the old witch to find out how he was gonna die. most of the other kids were scared to find out, but he saw it as the ultimate freedom. if you know how and when you're gonna die, what do you have to be scared of? that same way of thinking can be transferred into all aspects of everyday life and has gotten me through a million probelms and predicaments. if it's not the job you've always wanted, who cares if you get fired from this one, if it's not you're perfect meal, don't eat it and if she's not the love of your life, who gives a shit. with this philosophy, it's easy to move on, because you have to ask yourself, does it really matter? does it? so, just say fuck it and throw it out the window