PHOENIX RECAP: i'd been feeling ill all weekend. in the middle of my '2 hr dj set' at LOOSE TOOTH on thurs, i felt my health slowly degrade and with it my enthusiasm and my posture. i chalked that one up in to the books, but i did gain one thing that evening. i was outside enjoying a smoke and a voicemail when my good buddies HAR MAR SUPERSTAR and DIRTY PRESTON walked up. we exchanged pleasentries and weekend plans. once HAR MAR discovered i'd be in PHOENIX/SCOTTSDALE, AZ, he passed on what some would consider sage like advice. he said, "ya gotta go to SKIN. it's the best strip club you'll ever go to. trust me, it's awesome." little did i know how much those few sentences would define my entire weekend. ** i wasn't sure what to expect down south. the other three times i'd been to arizona, they'd always ended up as very surreal experiences. They go a little something like this: 1) my old band OPERATION: CLIFF CLAVIN played a show in TUSCON. after the show, we were driving with a van full of kids to the place we were gonna stay when a drunk driver, driving a pick up truck, swerved out of oncoming traffic and hit our van, literally ripping off the entire side, then collided head on into the car behind us. we were all ok, but the van was missing a side. i screamed "YOU RUINED OUR TOUR!," and ran towards the accident bound and determined to kick some ass, only to find the drunkard stooped over his wheel with half of his face missing. we ended up getting the insurance money and rather buying a new van, bought the totaled one, mr. van, we liked to call him, out of the scrap yard and patched him up with sheet metal on the side, complete with homemade gas cap and tail light. We finished up the rest of the two month tour in it and we used the insurance money to put out our next record, which included a song about the accident, aptly named, "douglas paul mcdonnel," after the driver who'd hit us. 2) the next summer, again on tour with my band, OPERATION: CLIFF CLAVIN, we were driving from PHOENIX to TUSCON, in the middle of the desert, when our van suddenly just stopped working. it was my turn to find the gas station, which meant walking, since this was in the 90's, before the age of cell phones (oh thank you, mother of invention!). i walked in the desert for hours, we're talking mid july, early afternoon, hot as fuck desert. i kept seeing mirages and was hallucinating. finally i came upon something that was real, a construction site. i convinced one of the workers to drive me to the nearest town 20 miles away. it was called, "nowhere, az," and consisted exactly of 1 trailer, 1 gas pump, 1 tiny mom & pop convenience store, a homemade museum of bones, and exactly three residents: two overweight men with long, white beards and missing teeth and an old lady, who i can only assume was in cohorts with them both because they all talked about their "kid." i finally convinced them to tow us to our show in TUSCON, after which, the van started right up with no problems. makes me wonder if my vistit to "nowhere" was something more than a coincidence. 3) on tour with another band of mine, THE SUPER MAGNIFICENT ACTION TRIO, we played a show in PHOENIX proper. this was the one stop i was really looking forward to on that tour. there was a lady who'd i'd befriended in SEATTLE and had began a relationship with that had moved there only a few months prior. we'd become close friends, but any possibilities between us had been cut short due to her responsibilities to school and family. this was to be our very first reunion since we'd been separated. the show came and went, and she never showed up. afterwards, i was hanging out in the parking lot, smoking, when a strange lady walked up and asked if i was me. she said she was friends with my friend and that she was sent to apologize for her for not showing up. to cut a long story short, her uncle had commited suicide in her living room the night before. i gulped and sent my condolences. the next time i talked to her, some many months later, she was married. ** i flew into PHOENIX airport sometime in the late afternoon. one half of the PHOENIX duo that took it upon themselves to fly me down for the guest appearance, DIRTY DAVE, picked me up from the airport. we quickly got along, laughing it up all the way to the strip club (pretty much literally, minus a quick bite to eat). we only had a scant few hours before we had to be at SHAKE, the night i was to dj at, so fuck it, why not follow the recommendations of a good friend. we entered the club and pulled up seats right next to the stage. i figure, if you're gonna do it, you might as well do it right, right? i quickly got change for a $20 bill and away we went. being that we were the only guys in the place that were under 30 and quite handsome gentlemen, if i do say so myself, the dancers took quite a liking to us (or maybe that's just their job). We certainly got our money’s worth, but before long, it was time to go. we left the strip club and went to the dance club, a nice dive bar with a punk history mural, called the rogue. i met the other partner in the night, WILLIAM REED (who was also sick, but quite the gentleman) and we were off. the party was a success. i was given the headlining slot, as the guest, and people danced till three. i had appoximately one too many drinks and found myself tripping over the dj booth. the latter half of the night really is more of a blur than anything else. i know this: it was tons of fun. i learned this: kids in these small downs REALLY know how to party. and i found this: i ran into the singer of my very first band in OKINAWA, JAPAN, the HEADLESS BARBIES, ERIKA. the last time i saw her, she'd played a part in totaling my very 1st car. we made it back to DAVE's house, complete with head spins and unending feelings of nausea. we tried smoking weed to soothe the pain, but it only made things worse. i laid in the guest bed, gripping the pillow, praying for morning to come. it finally did. at 2pm, we got up and went to join a group of others for brunch, which i guess in SCOTTSDALE is short for binge. everyone immediately were ordering shots, beers, every kind of drink imaginable. i couldn't keep up, still trying to recover from the pain in stomach and swirling in my head from the night before. still, they succeeded in getting a few drinks in my tummy and convinced me to miss my plane. and for what reason? to go back to the strip club! returning for our 2nd visit in a 24 hour period, this time we arrived 8 deep, including a former employee. she showed us the ropes and introduced us to all the dancers. she even got up on stage and did a special girl on girl performance herself. i don't even want to think about how much money i wasted, but after all of that, i knew it was probably best to get back to l.a. i caught the last flight back and landed in l.a. at around 11pm. all in all a good trip and i've gained another story to add to my list of weird ARIZONA happenings. until next time...