2003.11.18 19.22 really, i'm not a 1st year college student.... (from ivejournal) i just finished watching michael moore's masterpiece "bowling for columbine." it blew my mind. it was brilliant. it wasn't that he was throwing out all these ideas i'd never heard. i knew and i agreed. i cheered. it was that it made me think about myself. where i am, where i came from and where i'm going. what exactly am i striving for? fame? fortune? i've only ever wanted to make a difference. to be remembered. to stand for something. i've always been picked on and disliked for expressing thoughts that didn't usually rub with the predominant mentality. i was loud, i was weird. if i was smart, i wouldn't have had pink hair in small town indiana. i should have stayed quiet, stood for prayer, raised my right hand for the pledge of allegiance, but i didn't. i was beat for it and almost expelled from school. back then, i had no fear of consequence. what could anyone do, that hadn't already been done before? now, it's different. maybe i was hurt one too many times. i don't know, but i've changed. i do, don't say, and i hate that. i haven't changed who i am or what i stand for, but i've realized that as i've gotten older and have more things to lose, it's harder to find things to scream about. i guess, not harder to find them, because they're all around, just harder to scream. it's hard, you know. when i was young, everything was right there, right in front of me. my life began and ended with the ring of a bell, my alarm clock, my curfew. i fought my parents, my teachers, my peers, striving to find myself, my freedom. then, i was out and i found out that there's a whole world out there. one full of problems that's slowly deteriorating. the problems become bigger. there's so much wrong that i don't know where to start. the lump in my throat tells me i can't make a difference. i want to push people, grab strangers on the street and yell, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! CAN'T YOU SEE? CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING?!" am i any different? the most inspiring part of "bowling for columbine," (minus the marilyn manson part) was when they actually convinced kmart to stop selling bullets. i was flabbergasted! they did it! they actually changed something! effecting people one on one is one thing, and it's amazing, don't get me wrong, it's probably the most important tool the underground has, but walking into a major corporation and changing their policy, one that they did not have too, is unbelievable. if only only all of us had the courage, the stamina to do one thing like that, just one. just one. imagine the change that could happen. imagine the difference we could make. what's so awesome is that we can. just remember to swallow. you don't have to be afraid. we live in a society that constantly tells us we're shitty people if we don't look right, smell right, don't own the right products or appliances, don't believe in the right god. it's bullshit. i believe that everyone has the ability to be amazing and i believe that everyone can do what they want to. we can. we can. we can. but we don't because we're scared. scared to be ourselves, scared to fight back, scared to stand up for what we believe in. no. i refuse to stand. i refuse to raise my right hand. i choose to dye my hair. i choose to scream. i'm not scared anymore. Mood: inspired Music: against me