last night i went on what i would call a first date. makes sense to call it that. met a girl randomly outside of starsoes on wed (the first words she said to me were 'hey, tough guy', although i don't think she knew who i was), within an hour, made a date plan to go shoot guns at a firing range and exchanged phone numbers. i was high on pain killers and thought she was just being nice, letting a scrub like me down easy. couple days later, i get a message from her about some carnival happening in echo park and we make plans to meet. the firinig range was out the window, but carnies and kids with mullets were in. there were maybe five rides total and two good games. it was 5:30 when we met. i guess i arrived early, because i wandered around a while, ducking in out of various tents, wishing i spoke spanish. she finally showed, and seriously, i was stunned. this girl is beautiful, more so than how i remembered her. might have had something to do with the absense of pain killers. i did my best to keep my composure. you know, act tough, be a man, i guess that's what is to most. i just start talking and don't shut up, i injure myself repeatedly, unitentionally doing my chevy chase impression, then i really back myself into a corner and never stop talking about it, usually to the dismay of whoever i'm hanging out with. i injured myself four times last night. that's foour more times than usual. i really need a new nervous habit... at around four or five in the morning, we're cuddled up on my creaky, crooked, cruddled matress, which barely passes for a pile of rocks with a sheet over it, watching pee-wee's big adventure. my head is just below hers, my lips are touching her neck. which is THE sexiest neck i've ever seen. the crevis where it meets her collar bone is so.. uh, it just kills me. how her skin felt, how she was breathing, the way our legs criss crossed and wrapped back around like aeroplanes. i couldn't help myself, i had to kiss her. i began right where my lips were. she kissed back. this wasn't our first kiss of the evening though. the first kiss of the evening, believe or not, was at the top of the ferris wheel, at sunset. it was wonderful. the carnies let us keep riding for free and the junior high kids in the car behind us kept making fun. but i have to admit, it may have been premature and a little forced, yet fodder enough to laugh about and set the mood for the rest of the evening. .... excuse me while i light a cigarette... ok, so i'm not gonna take you through every detail of the whole of evening. there was a show, kinko's, dj'iing, she stayed over, we had breakfast in the morning, the whole nine yards. it was perfect in a lot of ways. but the purpose of this post isn't so much to wax the details of the occurances of last night as they happened in fact, but to scratch below the surface, ponder and over analyze. the entire evening there was an underlying awkwardness. some moments of silence here and there, moments of self doubt, moments of questioning. we're different in a lot of ways. that can be good, i just don't think we've figured out how to communicate with each other yet. i was preoccupied and guarded, she seemed the same, maybe a little shy. i don't her well enough to tell yet, i have a feeling that there's a whole other her underneath the surface that i haven't gotten to. a whole other world of the unknown. she could be an x-file unto herself. she wasn't showing it last night. i felt like there some glimpes here and there, little shining moments. i feel like i was over compensating with my physical affection to try and counter act, what i hope, was her own unique brand of nervousness. a lot of times when i meet someone new, i automatically think they aren't gonna like me. i know, i've got a million friends, but i swear i'm ready for any of them to turn on me at anytime. abandonment issues, bad experiences, something. sometimes i want that reaffirment, sometimes i just want the girl to throw a fella a bone, but really, i just need to learn to be satisfied that she's there, cuz really, that should be enough. she's holding my hand, BAM! PROOF! ok, got it, shut up and enjoy it, this may be the only time it happens. a lot of times when i meet someone new, i wish i could just fast forward a couple weeks. skip past the awkward stage, skip past the questioning. i hate the questioning. it drives me nuts. that's why i've avoided girls. i've painted myself into a corner. i've constructed my life in such a way, so as to not make room for anyone else, and when i do meet someone that i might actually want to that with, it just fucks my shit up. i wish there was a sign, like 'insert piece here', and i could say, "oh, it fits" and that would be the end of it, but that's not how it works. it can't be that easy, and it shouldn't. you can't go through the motions, in fact, there shouldn't be any. every encounter should be a cliffhanger, every meeting a clue, every smile a blessing. ok, so before i haggle over the details of last night and my paranoid psyche any longer, i'm just gonna stop, drop rollover and read some damn fine comic books. i'll wake up in the morning with a glimmer in my eye and hope for more adventure to come.