Franki Chan Blog

09/26/03 - stories of mass confusion, moral judgementr, paranoia and being a stupid, stupid boy.

stories of mass confusion, moral judgement, paranoia and being a stupid, stupid boy. (from livejournal) i'm constantly trying to sort out conflicting feelings. all of them. emotion vs. logic. right vs. wrong. my paranoia can sometimes get the best of me. i'm constantly waiting for anyone i know, no matter how much i trust them to turn their back on me at anytime. i don't have to be a psychologist to know where it comes from. i can trace it back, it's pretty apparent, and yet, i'm still being vague. when it comes to long distance "relationships," i've been burned. i moved to washington for one. there was a period of six months between when kathy and i last saw each other and when i was going to be living in the nothwest. 5 months into it, i get the phone call. "i've met this boy." she hadn't done anything, but she wanted to. she wanted to be with me still, or so she said, but in the meantime, maybe fool around a bit. i couldn't stand it, and pretty much ended things right then and there. it wasn't the action that bothered me as much as the principle. i have the same problem in my daily life. at graceland, when jason asks me settle shows, and he's here, i don't understand. it's his job. it's not that it's a big task, it's not, it takes a few moments, but still, it's the principle. it's one of those things i damn comic books for instilling in my head. this ever present moral authority of right and wrong. no matter how evil the villian is, no matter how many people they've hurt, no matter how many terrible things they've done, superman/batman/spider-man, would never, ever kill them. doing so, would place them on the same level and they would cease to be heroes, at least in that iconic kind of way. and yet, i'm being way over dramatic, and still, being vague. this morning, i woke up with a phone message on my phone from tammy. she said for me to call and that she wanted to talk. it didn't sound bad, only sweet. later in the day i got the same message. my phone was dead, and i was unable to call her back. when i finally got home, i checked good, ole, friendster. she'd written me a testimonial. it was so intertwined with inside jokes, i couldn't help but smile and be thankful that she was thinking of me. i went over to livejournal and read her post. four mysterious, cryptic lines. my mind began painting various scenarios, my heart began pounding. logic began to battle emotion. i charged my phone and finally called her. what hegan as a good conversation, quickly evaporated into me fumbling around with my feelings and failing to express how i felt. i got the sense from her story, there was something missing. all i got was, "drunk and stupid." i tried not to be accusatory. here begins the fight inside my mind. i trust her, i do, i just hope she can trust me enough to be honest. i know we're not "official," but i want it to be. it's that waiting period that drives me nuts. i have a really difficult time with letting go of control. this one is out of my hands, and only time will tell if it's really meant to be. in the meantime is it better i shut up? i'm lost in the sea of my own emotions and hang ups. Mood: pensive Music: Radiohead- Karma Police